There's a Fungus Among Us

Dr. Spurious,

I really don't know how to ask you this, so I guess I just will. Can
athletes foot be transferred to your partners genitals? You see, my wife,
who is not only a soccer mom, but also a player, engage in certain
activities that involve one's genitals.

After the fact, I was told that her fungus on her foot was contageous. I am
very mad at her about it and think this would be a good oportunity for me to
leave her and run off with one of my coworkers from Payless. Thank you in
advance for your professional advice.

Sincerely,

Fun Guy



Dear Fun Guy:

As you may already know, Atheletes' Foot is caused by a "fungus." Fungi, like germs, can be compared to tiny gnome-like creatures that live on the skin. The main difference between fungi, germs, and beneficial things like white blood cells is in the clothing they wear. Modern anti-fungal treatments, as I understand them, work by systematically eliminating these gnome-like creatures based on how they are dressed.

The real problem in your scenario is that the only fungi that will want to make the move from your partner's foot onto your testicles are the gay ones. Unfortunately, these fungi are typically much better dressed than their counterparts. Because of this, the gay atheletes' foot fungi (or, in medical terms, "Funghomos Athletis") are immune to most treatments the medical world has to offer.

The first I would recommend to treat these fungi is to stop showering. As I've stated before, this forms a "health barrier" around your body, and drives the fungi off. After that, you should walk around naked for 5 days to a week. This gives the fungi many chances to jump off of your genitals, and should clean up any lingering problems nicely.

In the future, as a preventative measure, you or your partner should wear a sock (on either the genitals or the foot) when performing this or any other sexual act.

Computers and Sterility

Computers will make you sterile. And impotent. That is the only conclusion that I can come to after buying my first computer recently and blogging for only a short while. I'm sorry. Harriet, come back! We'll try it again!

In fact, the worst thing you can do on a computer is read sites that put form over content! This leads to impotence faster than anything else, including smashing your testicles (nuts, to the lay person) with a collectible Star Wars lunch box.

Drinking for Health

Well, well, well. The researchers have found a tree, but they still can't see the forest.

Moderate drinking does not protect against death from heart disease, a new study suggests.

Of course moderate drinking isn't going to help you. All they do here is compare moderate drinkers to abstainers and find no health benefits. But they're totally ignoring heavy drinkers. Drinking heavily is an excellent long-term health plan. It's certainly better than exercise. Allow me to explain.

Your body is a very strong thing. It can handle a lot of abuse. Illness, however, is weak. Your body can take the alcohol, and the illness vibes can't. What do you think happens when you puke at the end of a binge drinking session? Not only that, but alcohol changes your body's wavelength to throw off the bad vibes.

As an added benefit, I'll relate a story I heard in college from a friend. That's right--you can keep your "studies" of "thousands of people" to yourself--this is a real-life story. This guy my friend knows wrapped his car around a telephone pole, and the alcohol relaxed his body so much that his spine didn't break. The doctors were absolutely right when they said that if he was sober he would have died. Moderate drinking wouldn't have been enough to save this young man's life.