Friday, April 14, 2006

There's a Fungus Among Us

Dr. Spurious,

I really don't know how to ask you this, so I guess I just will. Can
athletes foot be transferred to your partners genitals? You see, my wife,
who is not only a soccer mom, but also a player, engage in certain
activities that involve one's genitals.

After the fact, I was told that her fungus on her foot was contageous. I am
very mad at her about it and think this would be a good oportunity for me to
leave her and run off with one of my coworkers from Payless. Thank you in
advance for your professional advice.


Fun Guy

Dear Fun Guy:

As you may already know, Atheletes' Foot is caused by a "fungus." Fungi, like germs, can be compared to tiny gnome-like creatures that live on the skin. The main difference between fungi, germs, and beneficial things like white blood cells is in the clothing they wear. Modern anti-fungal treatments, as I understand them, work by systematically eliminating these gnome-like creatures based on how they are dressed.

The real problem in your scenario is that the only fungi that will want to make the move from your partner's foot onto your testicles are the gay ones. Unfortunately, these fungi are typically much better dressed than their counterparts. Because of this, the gay atheletes' foot fungi (or, in medical terms, "Funghomos Athletis") are immune to most treatments the medical world has to offer.

The first I would recommend to treat these fungi is to stop showering. As I've stated before, this forms a "health barrier" around your body, and drives the fungi off. After that, you should walk around naked for 5 days to a week. This gives the fungi many chances to jump off of your genitals, and should clean up any lingering problems nicely.

In the future, as a preventative measure, you or your partner should wear a sock (on either the genitals or the foot) when performing this or any other sexual act.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Computers and Sterility

Computers will make you sterile. And impotent. That is the only conclusion that I can come to after buying my first computer recently and blogging for only a short while. I'm sorry. Harriet, come back! We'll try it again!

In fact, the worst thing you can do on a computer is read sites that put form over content! This leads to impotence faster than anything else, including smashing your testicles (nuts, to the lay person) with a collectible Star Wars lunch box.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Drinking for Health

Well, well, well. The researchers have found a tree, but they still can't see the forest.
Moderate drinking does not protect against death from heart disease, a new study suggests.
Of course moderate drinking isn't going to help you. All they do here is compare moderate drinkers to abstainers and find no health benefits. But they're totally ignoring heavy drinkers. Drinking heavily is an excellent long-term health plan. It's certainly better than exercise. Allow me to explain.

Your body is a very strong thing. It can handle a lot of abuse. Illness, however, is weak. Your body can take the alcohol, and the illness vibes can't. What do you think happens when you puke at the end of a binge drinking session? Not only that, but alcohol changes your body's wavelength to throw off the bad vibes.

As an added benefit, I'll relate a story I heard in college from a friend. That's right--you can keep your "studies" of "thousands of people" to yourself--this is a real-life story. This guy my friend knows wrapped his car around a telephone pole, and the alcohol relaxed his body so much that his spine didn't break. The doctors were absolutely right when they said that if he was sober he would have died. Moderate drinking wouldn't have been enough to save this young man's life.

Friday, March 31, 2006

Marriage and Illness

"Unhappily married individuals have yet another reason to identify marital difficulties and seek to improve marital quality: Their very health may depend upon it,"
as this article claims. Well, duh! Normally, we associate a good marriage with lots and lots of sex. And even more sex. And sex is good for your health. The reason is obvious:

Having sex usually involves being naked.

Being naked is one of the best things you can do for your health. Clothing is generally made of dangerous foreign particles and chemicals that can get into your system and do damage. A good marriage involves mostly naked time, while in a bad marriage the couple will wear clothes on a regular basis. Like I often say, "A dangling penis is a happy penis." And likewise, vaginas need fresh air for their health. Of course, being naked all the time can be hard on your social life. Many people still have Puritan ideas about clothing and modesty, but we can see that attitude rapidly disappearing in the world.

Also, there are some precautions you should take before going to a nudist lifestyle. You should cover your furniture with animal skins, because plant and synthetic materials are not natural to your body. If you can get human skin, that would be best.

And if you have a male dog you should have him neutered so he doesn't take advantage of you when you bend over. That's one lesson I wish I'd learned sooner!

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Exercise Propaganda

Dear Dr. Spurious:

I'm average height and weight: about 5'6 and 345 lbs. I typically avoid physical activity, since it makes me breathe harder and sweat profusely from every place possible. However, I'm hearing more and more from supposed "medical professionals" about the "benefits" of regular exercise. I know I don't need it, but I'm told that if I exercise a lot, it can prevent me from getting fat in the future.

Anyway, I'm just wondering: should I take this exercise thing seriously, or is it just another passing fad?


Fit in Florida

Well, Fit, I've often found that when people tell others to exercise, it is often because they are in a state of dependence upon exercise. Almost "addicted" to it, you could say. Just as with smoking or drinking, it could only take one experience with exercise to become addicted.

Further, exercising often requires you to go outside. As everyone knows, there are many dangers outside, such as tigers and crocodiles. If I were to guess, I'd say that in the United States, over a million people a year are killed by crocodiles alone! I would put the deaths due to obesity at about 100 people per year. I think you can do the math.

In addition to the lack of tigers and crocodiles, staying indoors and performing healthy, non-movement related activities such as watching television or playing video games has many health benefits. For example, the layers of fat (or as I like to call them, "Health Deposits"), can prevent you from starving if you cannot eat for a week or two due to a natural disaster, getting stuck in a chair, or other unforseen circumstances. Your Health Deposits will also make you more attractive to women, since they will know you have enough money to eat lots of food.

Getting eaten by tigers or being loved by hordes of women: the choice is yours.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006


This article at least has some good points (which is more than I can say for most other articles on the site). I think it's great that the Federal Dork Administration (my own cute pet term for them) allows leeches in medical treatment. But all throughout history doctors have been using leeches all wrong! Most "doctors" put the leeches on the sick patient to "help heal wounds and restore circulation in blocked blood veins." That's ridiculous. What you should do is put the leeches on a healthy person (preferably an athlete) and then feed the blood-fattened leeches to the sick patient so they can gain the strength of the healthy one. Duh! The article also states:
Under the law, a medical device is any article designed to diagnose, cure, treat, prevent, or mitigate a disease or condition; or to affect the function or structure of the body that does not achieve its effect primarily through a chemical action and is not metabolized.
Don't even get me started on that!

Monday, March 06, 2006

How does he type?

Dear Dr. Spurious,

I'm a loyal reader of your column and take your advice to heart. Ever since you exposed the conspiracy to encourage handwashing, I've refused not only to wash my hands, but also the rest of my person. However, this has had an unintended side effect in that I've developed what can only be referred to as pus-filled blisters in my armpits and groin, some of which are beginning to turn black. Additionally, I've begun to lose extremities -- I am typing this with my nose, as I am down to three fingers and even those are hanging tenuously by a few tendrils of flesh.. Now, I know that the Black Plague is alive and well in many of our rodent species, but I did a preliminary search on WebMD and I don't meet all the symptoms. I would go to my primary care physician, but since I don't have health insurance -- and he can't possibly be as knowledgeable as you -- I see no alternative but to ask for your assistance. Please help! I'm running out of body parts!

-Three-Finger Ted

Dear Three-Finger Ted,

The name "black plague" has always sounded offensive to me. I mean, come on, we're doctors. We shouldn't be racists, but rather egomaniacs. Name the disease after yourself, like Alzheimer's, Kleinfelter's, Rickett's and Scurvy. Regardless, you don't have the "black plague." It sounds to me like you have one of two problems:

1. You have washed far too much in your life, thereby scrubbing away your body and weakening its natural structural integrity. In this case you have only one option: I know an excellent prosthetician, Dr. Hook. I would refer you to him.

2. Do you still have your toes? If so, then it may not be from over-scrubbing, but rather from excessive contact with electromagnetic fields, which can slowly pull away your skin piece by piece. Keep your decaying limbs away from the computer for a while, and try to type with your toes. Do you live under high power wires? If not, you can strengthen your immunity to electromagnetic waves by exposing yourself to them in high doses while putting saline drops in your eyes and eating salty snacks. The extra sodium chloride--salt, to the lay person--will protect you from the temporary harmful effects of the electromagnetism.