How does he type?

Dear Dr. Spurious,

I'm a loyal reader of your column and take your advice to heart. Ever since you exposed the conspiracy to encourage handwashing, I've refused not only to wash my hands, but also the rest of my person. However, this has had an unintended side effect in that I've developed what can only be referred to as pus-filled blisters in my armpits and groin, some of which are beginning to turn black. Additionally, I've begun to lose extremities -- I am typing this with my nose, as I am down to three fingers and even those are hanging tenuously by a few tendrils of flesh.. Now, I know that the Black Plague is alive and well in many of our rodent species, but I did a preliminary search on WebMD and I don't meet all the symptoms. I would go to my primary care physician, but since I don't have health insurance -- and he can't possibly be as knowledgeable as you -- I see no alternative but to ask for your assistance. Please help! I'm running out of body parts!

-Three-Finger Ted




Dear Three-Finger Ted,

The name "black plague" has always sounded offensive to me. I mean, come on, we're doctors. We shouldn't be racists, but rather egomaniacs. Name the disease after yourself, like Alzheimer's, Kleinfelter's, Rickett's and Scurvy. Regardless, you don't have the "black plague." It sounds to me like you have one of two problems:

1. You have washed far too much in your life, thereby scrubbing away your body and weakening its natural structural integrity. In this case you have only one option: I know an excellent prosthetician, Dr. Hook. I would refer you to him.

2. Do you still have your toes? If so, then it may not be from over-scrubbing, but rather from excessive contact with electromagnetic fields, which can slowly pull away your skin piece by piece. Keep your decaying limbs away from the computer for a while, and try to type with your toes. Do you live under high power wires? If not, you can strengthen your immunity to electromagnetic waves by exposing yourself to them in high doses while putting saline drops in your eyes and eating salty snacks. The extra sodium chloride--salt, to the lay person--will protect you from the temporary harmful effects of the electromagnetism.